The Nebulous World of Starbucks

Having Starbucks initiate me as a coffee-drinker is like calling Tasti-Delite, Gelato. It's like eating a Big mac and and saying you've had a good steak...

So I went in. I've been in Starbucks before--as many do when there are a total of 171 in Manhattan. But with careful steps, I walked to the end of the 16-person line and waited my chance to recite my 15-word drink. What DID I want, I thought, as I squinted at the backboard. Well, good thing there are now calories on the menu. I definitely wouldn't have thought the Venti Pumpkin Spice Creme coffee would have a whopping 340. Well, anyway, the line went offensively fast. How does anyone repeat in their head what he'll have to recite once up there?

"Next custama!" said a tall, gangly male employee.

"That'd be me."

"And what will you have?"

I blanked. God, I'd been reciting it for the past two minutes, how could I have blanked??? I looked up again at the board and muttered outloud, "UhhhhHhhhhhh....."

"YES??? Miss? What would you like?"

"OH man, I don't know! Like, a small coffee with some skim milk?" He looked at me and didn't talk for five seconds. EEK, I sunk down into my collared shirt.

"Miss, we have many coffees, in many sizes. And 'small' ain't one of them."

"Ohh-- yes, you do have many coffees... sizes, too---"

"Miss, step aside until you figger out what you want. Next custama!"

AHH! How could he have been so hard on me!?!? I'm new! I waited for the line to thin. This morning coffee thing was becoming a nightmare. I stepped back up to bat.

"Hi -- so, maybe you can help. I'm new to this whole coffee thing. What should I ask for if I just want a cup -- none of that extra caloric stuff-- just some skim milk, or soy. Maybe steamed, too? In a somewhat small size-- or medium? Do you have a medium cup?"

Hopeless, I thought. They need translation next to the caloric break-down.

"It seems that you would like a Tall, Grande or Venti Caffe Misto with soy or skim milk, if I am hearing you correctly."

"Oh, okay. That's it? That sounds okay."

The steamer sound went off, and I exhaled. I made it through a Starbucks coffee line.

After burning my tongue, the roof of my palate and leaving foam on my upper lip, I realized that there were just some places where Marissa Beck does not belong. I scurried out of Starbucks. I'll stick to their salted almonds :)