The Artificial Testament

"Elohim said, 'Let the earth sprout greenery, seed-producing plants, fruit trees producing fruit according to their type.' And it happened." –Tanahk, Genesis (Day 3).

Now, Elohim says, "Let the earth purge artificial greenery, cultivate any remaining ancestral seed-producing plants, and harvest without using chemical fertilizer, or else you'll all regress into a pile of humus before you can utter the word organic." And with that, Elohim added, "Muhuhahaha." (Elohim is allowed to be "evil" there because he's had a "fist in [His] eye" way too many times now to be Mr. Niceguy).

Whether Elohim or evolution (or a combination), both organisms and plants have the DNA that make them "prepared for anything," as Barbara Kingsolver says. But we have not allowed our crops to fulfill this potential, what with our splicing of Bacillus thuringiensis and contorted corncobs. Up to this day, we are a surviving summation of all that has worked over time. And instead of taking advantage of Darwin's good work, realizing that if what worked over time is that which has survived, we abuse the land we came from. We don't seem to pay close attention to those lands that have harvested for thousands of years before, or to the Monarch butterfly who has produced generations of her breed.

Until now. These paradoxes are a part of daily American life at this point. I didn't even realize that genetic engineering had the "evilness" it's worthy of. The theme surrounding the adaptation to genetic engineering is that people just don't know their science. We're used to hearing that USDA approves rice with human genes, or that developing countries can't sustain themselves, unless they rely upon biotechnology. Stink bugs devouring genetically engineered cotton should be telling us, supposedly logical human beings, something: stop making this stuff! Instead, we are used to living amidst these cutting-edge "technologies." Except, are they logical? Why SHOULD natural plants accept DNA that is not its own?

Then we have the paradoxical labels— the ORGANIC TV dinner doesn't strike the average American as illogical? What might Sir Albert Howard say about the Whole Foods' industry? Whole Foods misleads the public that their food is actually coming from a whole natural system. Perhaps the store should be called, "Partial Foods," since the consumers are only hearing a part of the story. "Access to pasture," was Corporate Organic's get-out-of-jail-free card. Can you have it both ways? No... But Whole Foods can. America believes in the pastoral side of the franchise, but there is nothing pastoral about a chicken that gets a patch of outdoor stale dirt the size of a shoebox. And yet, we still contribute to the enormous industrial profit of the "organic empire," because it just sounds so good and natural!

Organic is woven into the industrial food system—clearly shown in Phil Howard's Organic Industry Structure (June 2005). Why did the public let this happen? They didn't have a choice. It happened TO THEM. We abide by the artificial laws that have created the world as we know it today. We have become an artificial Adam and Eve, dependent on the artificial fruit of this nation.

Good Intentions

Mothers ask their children if they want to drink more milk
From their little plastic sippy cups.
They just want their children healthy and strong,
And do not know the insides
Of that milk carton container.

BANANA POWER

The Scoop About a BANANA... a neat email I received:



After Reading THIS, you'll NEVER look at a banana in the same way again!

Bananas contain three natural sugars --- sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained, and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet.

Depression:
According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.

PMS! :
Forget the pills -- eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood.

Anemia:
High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia.

Blood Pressure:
This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it the perfect way to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke.

Brain Power:
200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert.

Constipation:
High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.

Hangovers:
One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system.

Heartburn:
Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief.

Morning Sickness:
Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness.
Mosquito Bites:
Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation.

Nerves:
Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system.

Overweight and at work?
Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.

Ulcers:
The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also ! neutrali zes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach.

Temperature Control:
Many other cultures see bananas as a "cooling" fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand, for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.

Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD):
Bananas can help SAD sufferers be! cause t hey contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan.

Smoking:
Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6 and B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal.

Stress:
Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the he! artbeat , sends oxygen to the brain, and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be re-balanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack.

Strokes:
According to research in "The New England Journal of Medicine," eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%!

“If you didn't exercise as a kid, it could be dangerous to start when you’re older.”

MYTH. GET UP AND GET YOUR BUTT TO THE GYM!

Exercise is advantageous at any age, regardless of prior training experience. The only “danger” in starting a new exercise program—whether an expert or a novice—is if it does not adhere to current safe training techniques.

Otherwise, the effects of exercise are too substantial to pass up. Since there is a tendency for the body to lose muscle as we age (sarcopenia), the American Heart Association (AHA) stresses the importance of physical activity throughout one’s lifetime. In a study investigating the influence of current and/or past physical activity on balance in older adults, current physical activity was the major determinant for postural parameters—not age, gender, body mass index (BMI) and past physical activity. The study went on to show that regular physical activity, even when started later on in life, allowed “…appropriate reorganization of the different components of postural control during sensory conflicting situations.” Thus, the study concluded that physical activity counteracts the age-related decline of postural control. (Buatois et al).

Furthermore, the purpose of another relevant study was to test the hypothesis that an increase in “vascular bed filtration capacity” demonstrated an adaptation to endurance training in the elderly. Indeed, they concluded that exercise influences muscular adaptation. (Charles M. et al).

Losing muscle not only decreases mobility, but also makes the body more susceptible to chronic diseases, according to researchers at the USDA Human Nutrition Research Center at Tufts University. They noted that various “biomarkers of aging,” such as muscle mass and strength, BMR and body fat percentage, cholesterol levels, blood pressure, bone density, and temperature regulation—can all be improved with physical activity.

Moral of the story: you can be a gym-rat at any age ;)

References

American Heart Association (2007). Exercise (Physical Activity) for Older People and Those With Disabilities [online]. http://www.americanheart.org/presenter.jhtml?identifier=4557

Buatois S. Gauchard GC. Aubry C. Benetos A. Perrin P. (2007) Current physical activity improves balance control during sensory conflicting conditions in older adults. International Journal of Sports Medicine. 28(1):53-8.

Charles M. Charifi N. Verney J. Pichot V. Feasson L. Costes F. Denis C. (2006). Effect of endurance training on muscle microvascular filtration capacity and vascular bed morphometry in the elderly. Acta Physiologica. 187(3):399-406.

Who pays this idiot? Oh right... BK!!!!!

http://www.subservientchicken.com

Felony

Tonight I ventured out on a horrible escapade, hunting through Manhattan like a dehydrated sojourner in the Sahara. I ripped through the city, stopping off time to time to buy a treat like it was some illegal drug—and yet, it was worse because none of my purchases were illegal and no one was going to arrest me for taking a hit of a brownie or slice of pizza.

No one cares. Everyone from store clerk to homeless guy is smiling at you—courteous as hell as you order your hot slice. I wanted to say, “STOP ME for GOD’s SAKE! LOOK at what I am doing! LOOK at what I am DOING right now. Aren’t you going to STOP ME??????” But instead, I smile back and hide my contorted grimaces for fear that they will see the real ugly witch in me, boiling and troubling over their pizza. I’m in my own illicit universe, where I’ve handpicked what’s legal and illegal to use. And I, ironically, am the only one responsible.

I wander the streets and temptations lure everywhere in sight. Like a crack-addict, I can’t avoid the lights, the scents, the sounds— everything and everyone is a danger zone. I am my own danger zone. While others have to meet in alleys and look over their shoulders, experiencing the thrill of ‘the escape’ as they’ve broken the law and slipped away from authorities, I can consume my drug in broad day-light and no one gives a $#@%. No one is going to pull me over and ask why I was mutilating myself right there, walking in the middle of the street.

WHY, pizza store clerk, were you so nice to me as I purchased that slice and looked dead into your trusting eyes? “Yes, Miss? How can I help you? Anything else, Miss? What else can we do for you? Is that all, MISS? THANK YOU, MISS!”

It's only pizza, right? RIGHT? WRONG. It's this whole easy-world we've created. And it's such a big fat convenient piece of... pizza.

The Creation

"I intend to make attar out of everything!" And thus spoke Borden, and processed food was born. And Borden said, let there be licensed plants in other parts of the country, and "the chain" was born. And Delmonico saw that New World plants could be cultivated, and "salads" were born. And Clarence Birdseye ice-fished in the pond one day, and "the freezer" was born. In order to inspire awe in our ancestors, history writers (like the above dogmas by Boorstin) attributed America's food 'progress' to entrepreneurial "business heroes." In reality, the garden of Eden was already born by people who lived in this country way before us: Native Americans.

But we like heroes. And now, our food system has again undergone another creation, changing within the last 40 years more than in the previous forty thousand. Our secretive Willy Wonka Wonderland is no longer a product of soil and water, but instead, a technological wizardry with new heroes to laud. The true conundrum remains: fast food was founded by individualists and people who broke out of conventional wisdom— all to develop a conformity that we are now all imprisoned by and from which many of us wish to break free but don't know how to or just can't. Are we, as Rachel Lauden posits, in the mindset that for sanity and happiness to persist in this culture, that we need to live in the moment, amidst this scientific progress?

My little six-year-old cousin asked me at our Seder: Why is the piece of Matzoh so large? Well, little one, we are now in a world where capitalism dominates. We have stripped the workers of their rights, and placed much of the conniving exploitation we humans are capable of unto the consumer. Now we, as consumers, have to recognize that companies do not allow for moderation with their super-sizing, thanks to Wallerstein. That the mere presence of more for less DOES induce people to eat more. And that we have to raise our own culinary gavel and be responsible for sifting through images bombarding us day by day in order to make a logical, self-made decision.

We should be angry at society for creating these types of "foods," and instead, we are angry with ourselves for succumbing and buying it, filling up our intestines with this shit that we think actually makes us feel good. I hate the colors of the packaging, the false claims, and the ingredients that are probably better used for your little cousin's toy motorboat than a meal choice. It is IMPERATIVE to see what we've done to our species and to our culture— that processed packaging is a development of big business— not health. That we are degrading the lands day by day and de-mineralizing the soil, contributing to increased vitamin and mineral requirements. That we are adding crap-loads of salts and sugars to our foods— only to be competitive within the food market, and SELL for the sake of taste— NOT for health. Awareness is essential when scavenging the super-markets. It is a STORE, and they want to SELL their PRODUCTS, regardless of the false claims and consequences.

I agree with Lauden in that "natural was unreliable" but have we really "beaten plants into submission" by all of our soaking and crushing, or have we just beaten ourselves into submission that this way is the new, better way? Heating always destroys ring structures and decreases the raw bioavailability of vitamins in food. No one is taking away the convenience of a loaf of bread, churros, or andagi— but how does it react once INSIDE? This isn't about convenience. It's about your life— it's about the thing your mind sits on and preserving that thing for as long as you can.

I'm not going to lie— I love being able to taste the fruit of different cultures BECAUSE OF our processing and packaging and shipping and importing. Because of our open trade, and our open markets, and our need for bigger business— we can enjoy the myriad fruits of the Earth. But I'm sorry. Why should I succumb to this societal progression of dining? YES— bring back "slow food." I am NOT a proponent of advertisement bombings on my skull everyday, and the homogenizing, cookie-cut influence on our culture from the uniformity of these BIG CORPS. The golden arches are "more widely recognized than the Christian cross?" SICK! The McDonaldization of America is a sad excuse for an entire culture of people-turned-food-lazy. The irony: Tri-athlete Greg Brenneman, is the CEO of BK. And why shouldn't he be? Of course, a slop-eating lazy couch potato can't possibly run one of the largest corporations in the world.

They really get to the ROOT of it =)

YAY FOR ROOT VEGETABLES !!!!!!!!!!

Let's just get down to business and eat these cute little things :)

TURANDOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night I saw TURANDOT at the Met Opera. The ICY COLD Princess Turandot had many suitors that wanted her hand, but she did not want to "be conquered". And so first, they had to solve her three riddles. If they answered correctly, they would have her. If not, she had them beheaded!!! No one was able to solve her riddles, and there was much bloodshead. Finally, an unknown prince came to town and was able to solve her riddles-- but he was smart-- and gave her one in return: if Turandot could figure out his identity before the sunrise, she didn't have to have him as her master-- and what's more, he would even let her kill him. Hey, I didn't make it up... So I won't give away the ending, but I will say that the set was breath-taking, and made you feel like you were right there in the Asian lands, amid some hazy summer's day in the palace. TuranDOT!!!! TuranDOT!!! (that's me singing).

You could get a good facial for that price...

In Zentsuji, southwestern Japan, watermelons are grown inside square molds to better store in refridgerators. The melons sell for $83 bones!

Poor Haggis

Haggis

Much to his dad and mum's dismay
Horace ate himself one day
He didn't stop to say his grace
He just sat down and ate his face
"We can't have this!" his dad declared
"If that lad's ate he should be shared"
But even as he spoke they saw
Horace eating more and more:
First his legs and then his thighs,
His arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes
"Stop him someone!" Mother cried
"Those eyeballs would be better fried!"
But all too late for they were gone,
And he had started on his dong...
"Oh foolish child!" the father mourned
"You could have deep-fried those with prawns,
Some parsley and some tartar sauce..."
But H was on his second course;
His liver and his lights and lung,
His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue
"To think I raised him from the cot
And now he's gone to scoff the lot!"
His mother cried what shall we do?
What's left won't even make a stew..."
And as she wept her son was seen
To eat his head his heart his spleen
And there he lay, a boy no more
Just a stomach on the floor...
None the less since it was his
They ate it - and that's what haggis is

From: Monty Python's Big Red Book
Published by NTC/Contemporary Publishing
Publication date: September 1980

HOECAKE and Crudites With Vomit Vinaigrette

In case you Pesach-keepers were searching for some new dishes, here are some tasty new treat ideas!!! Mmmmm...

HOECAKE - thin usually unleavened johnnycake made of cornmeal; originally baked on the blade of a hoe over an open fire (Southern)

Crudites With Vomit Vinaigrette

“With the right exercise, you can get rid of trouble spots”

I can't even tell you how many times I have heard this. A client recently asked me, "What AB exercises will remove the tire around my waist?" I informed her that there aren't any AB exercises to target fat loss in a certain area. It is a huge misconception that we can get rid of our "trouble spots" by training specific sites of the body.

Although it is well-established that there is a site-specific response in bone density with upper and lower body resistance training (Winters-Stone et al.), this is not the case for adipose tissue. Instead, significant weight changes only occur with a total change in body composition, which results from gains/losses in fat-free mass and body fat. (Kyle UG., Melzer K et al.). Even with a decrease in body fat, one's genetic make-up is a major determinant of where fat loss occurs on the body.

For example, genes that metabolize estrogens and androgens are important in body fat regulation. In a study measuring the effects of exercise on fat loss in postmenopausal women, genetic polymorphisms showed a change in "BMI, total and percentage body fat, or subcutaneous and intra-abdominal fat during a year-long exercise intervention trial." This means that there are genetic factors involved in total body fat regulation. (Tworoger SS et al).

That's not to say one can't get rid of her "trouble spots." By expending more energy and decreasing caloric energy, she will increase total lean body mass, which is known to help raise metabolism. A training program must comprise of both cardiovascular activity AND weight training for this reason. In order to keep those "trouble spots" away, muscle is necessary to keep up a high metabolic rate. (Kyle UG., Zhang FF et al).

References

Kyle UG. Melzer K. Kayser B. Picard-Kossovsky M. Gremion G. Pichard C. Eight-year longitudinal changes in body composition in healthy Swiss adults. Journal of the American College of Nutrition. 25(6):493-501, 2006 Dec.

Kyle UG. Zhang FF. Morabia A. Pichard C. Longitudinal study of body composition changes associated with weight change and physical activity. Nutrition. 22(11-12):1103-11, 2006 Nov-Dec.

Tworoger SS. Chubak J. Aiello EJ. Yasui Y. Ulrich CM. Farin FM. Stapleton PL. Irwin ML. Potter JD. Schwartz RS. McTiernan A. The effect of CYP19 and COMT polymorphisms on exercise-induced fat loss in postmenopausal women. Obesity Research. 12(6):972-81, 2004 Jun.

Winters-Stone KM. Snow CM. Site-specific response of bone to exercise in premenopausal women. Bone. 39(6):1203-9, 2006 Dec.

And it doesn't even hurt!

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In order to experiment with MRT, you have to be at least 24, have had Lasik-eye surgery, and swear by gruel morning, noon, and night. You should have also spent hours upon hours of data entry and feel urges to go to bed with Alexander Hammy. In addition, you should identify yourself as "an old man."

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A Night at the Opera

Last night I went to the opening night of Andrea Chénier with my Aunt. I am officially an opera convert. We sat in the Grand Tier, section A, overlooking the orchestra. It was just beautiful, very traditional and the costumes were outrageous!!!! The music was enough to give you chills, and I loved the story line-- had to do with betrayal during the french revolution, and of course there's love, unrequited love and death!

A Remembered High

Today I ran. Today I ran and it felt amazing. I felt like I had been running for months now. It's as though everything clicked today, and I'm back from the dead. I think a week of alternative exercise (skiing) and proper recovery plus keeping fitness levels high w/ cross-training and wt-training has aided in this revival. I ran on the treadmill at 6.0, and increased in increments, up to 6.5. I ran 3 mi in 30min. Although this is a huge gap in what I used to do at 7.5-8.5, I am very proud of myself for being able to keep the speed low & not feel the impulsive or competitive urge to increase the number. I stretched for 15 minutes post exercise. I did not feel the accompanying burning sensations in my quad, knee or hip later on in the day. I felt refreshed, rejuvinated, renewed. I feel like a runner again.

WIKIPEDIA, time to get YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT FROM ME

Henry VIII was said to have died from gout, the syph, and his being grossly overweight. According to Wikipedia, "The well known theory [was] that he suffered from syphilis... More recent support for this idea has come from a greater understanding of the disease and has led to the suggestion that Edward VI, Mary I, and Elizabeth I all displayed symptoms characteristic of congenital syphilis. Henry's increased size dates from a jousting accident in 1536. He suffered a thigh wound which not only prevented him from taking exercise, but also gradually became ulcerated and may have indirectly led to his death..."

Well, Wiki, though your facts are correct, Henry VIII did not die (as assumed) from gout, or venereal disease. I will postulate that he died of SCURVY because he didn't eat any FRUIT! One of the classic symptoms of Scurvy, (besides violent swings of temperament due to vit C's coenzymatic function in synthesizing norepinephrine, which if low, can lead to mood disorders) is BLEEDING and improper healing of wounds. That ulceration from a thigh wound was INDEED related to his death-- a little more DIRECTLY than people want to admit.

According to Jasper Ridley, "...he beheaded two wives, defied the pope and waged the 100 year's war." Did he lack a conscience or just vitamin C??

This man needed a piece of fruit, ladies and gents!

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE TRAINER'S STORY

You asked for it. You got it. Here's A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY from Belinda's perspective... By Marissa Beck (Even better if read alongside the original!)

Dear Diary.
I've taken on yet another tall, lanky, muscle-deprived older man as a client, Milton Goldberg, whose wife thinks personal training sessions with me will magically get his body looking and feeling like it did when she first met him… Because I didn't want to admit that her beloved Milton would never be an Arnold anytime in the next, oh, lifetime, I put on a chirpy face and assured her that her husband would be a "ROCKSTAR!" by the time I was through with him. Here are some of my training notes:

MONDAY
Pumped up after my own hour-long cycle/row workout, I met with Milton at 6AM. Thank goodness he was prompt; there's nothing worse than tardiness. I am used to clients who don't dress properly for their workouts, but I must say, never in my life have I seen anyone so oddly and inappropriately clad. Yes it's winter, but a woolen vest? I asked Milton if he wanted to take the vest off, but he crossed his arms, squinted his eyes and shook his head rapidly. Okay. So I had him hop on the treadmill. I was quite surprised to find that Milton never actually saw a treadmill before, and even though I had the speed at a comfortable 3.6, felt him wheeze and cough all over me. It reminded me of the sporadic steam-room blasts of wet air… only, his breath smelled like skunk and stale toast. His rubber sandals squeaked with every step and it was hard for me to actually take a pulse. He kept looking at me between sweaty blinks and said that my polypropylene sports-top, which he called Lycra (anything but!), was very fitted. Thanks Milton, you perve. Five minutes later, his HR was 140 bpm and we hadn't even begun our workout! I quickly whisked him off of the treadmill and decided to show him the weights. He touched the rack of dumbbells as if he were searching for a ripe apple in a supermarket. When we crunched, he grabbed his stomach like he was giving birth. At least he was beaming with excitement. Where did this guy come from?

TUESDAY
Milton was as jittery as a school-girl who wet her pants, so I had him lie down on a bench. A nice bench wkout can fix up just about anyone… or so I thought. Milton could hardly lift the 45-pound barbell WITH my spot. But he still had a smile on his face, so I assumed that meant he wanted more. I put on a couple of plates. Just 2.5 pounds, but my, did Milton gawk at me when I did that!! Next I put him on the treadmill and it looked like he had a pole running through his behind. To my surprise, the guy made a full mile! I think I'm really helping him because he thanked me profusely at the end of our workout. These are the days that make training these suckers worthwhile!

WEDNESDAY
Milton strolled into the gym 15 minutes late, and he didn't even apologize! This agitated me, so I stuck him on the treadmill for a little warm up right away. The man began to screech and hold his little pecs like I was poking him with a vaccine. Other members started looking at us in fright, so I raised my voice and said, "Milton! Toughen up!" He didn't take to the Sergeant Bilko sort of tone… So I softened, and put him on the Stairmaster. That's a lot easier than running. But he seemed to have a problem with that too, grimacing and shaking his head again! I told him life isn't as awful as he thinks it is. At least he has a wonderful wife who cares about him enough to buy such expensive training sessions with me. (I mean, what a spoiled, arrogant little baby—I work hard for the money so he better treat me right!)

THURSDAY
Milton is lucky that I didn't clock him with a cable this morning for arriving 30 minutes late. When he finally got here, it looked like a stray dog dragged him in from a nightlong storm. His collared jean shirt had holes in the armpits and he kept tripping over the bottoms of his enormous khaki pants, AT LEAST FOUR TIMES as we walked over to the dumbbells. I turned to grab an eight-pounder and the sneaky sonuva gun slipped away like a bandit. But I showed him. Grabbed Lars, who mind you, used to wrestle for the WWE. Whatever Lars did worked, because Milton acquiesced and sat down on the erg. He looked like he was at a rodeo riding a bull.

FRIDAY
What an angry-looking face on this cretin. I was alarmed to see that Milton had his finger pointed at me underneath the towel, as if it were a gun! Oh silly Milton—he couldn't hurt a soul! I decided that today should be a triceps day. As I had him lying back in skull-crusher position, his nostrils flared wider with every elbow bend. It actually looked really scary. Something funny happened during our workout, though… (I can say it is funny NOW, but at the time, we thought Milton had died because he didn't get up for some time). He fell off of the end of the treadmill! Like a little feather, he floated peacefully onto the floor—right at the foot of another trainer. It looked like slow-mo! I think Milton is a drama-queen… I'm sure it didn't "hurt" as much as he said it did.

SATURDAY
I know that chump was sleeping in his warm little bed. I bet he contrived the whole thing, planning to stand me up. Unacceptable! I left him a message. I am almost positive he screened my call. Of course, I was way too nice on his answering machine. I should have bribed him with pizza or whatever those people eat.

SUNDAY
I'm resorting to a no-training-unappreciative-nitwits policy. Amen.

NOT YOUR FAULT...

"Obesity-promoting behaviors are controlled by factors outside the individual and obese individuals cannot be expected to have total self-control over their weight in an environment that promotes weight gain by reinforcing overeating and inactivity any more than they can control their genes." ~Poston and Foreyt

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary.
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress ..

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of
bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!! Belinda
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after five
minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all
though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feelGREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me,insisting that my
screams bothered other
club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me onthe stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belindatold me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some
other shit too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long
to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She
sent Lars to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine --
which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
being has everhated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of
mybody I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
anytriceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
M----- f-----
barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating,shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my
planner.However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that
next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift
for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Do you do #2?

I just returned from a week long trip in Puerto Rico. It was not a touristy vacation—I lived in my friend's cousin's house in San Juan and then for the second part of the week with my friend's family in a quaint apartment overlooking the ocean in Luquillo. I can talk about the welcoming people, the historic sites I saw, the beauty of the land and clear waters of Puerto Rico—but my version won't be any more scintillating than Frommers, so I'll spare you 'my-virgin-impression-story,' and instead write what I believe you'll really appreciate.

They don't eat fruits and vegetables. For breakfast, we eat sandwiches: Two pale pink pieces of salty ham lay flat atop a white, perfectly square, shiny piece of cheese. Lettuce slices line the refined bread like shredded paper confetti, able to stick to the dough via a thick paste of mayonnaise. The remainder of the sandwich includes a few sliced Goya black olives, speckled amongst a couple of skinny soft tomato pieces. My friend's cousin opens the refrigerator and I get a glimpse of a carton of eggs. I wonder if there are actually hens in Puerto Rico. Like a criminal eyeing her prey, I wait until the family isn't looking and I peek at the label on top of the carton. Gainesville, Georgia, 30503. Hens in Puerto Rico, Bah! What was I thinking… I scan the refrigerator door and my eyes discern a familiar logo. There he is in all his glory, with the friendly smile and black confederate cap. Hola, Señor Quaker-man. "Avena," reads the box, which means oatmeal. That is the only grain I see, processed nonetheless, and I want him so badly that I can feel the saliva ducts begin to water in my mouth. But alas, I know it to be impossible. Señor Quaker-man and I wouldn't be meeting each other's acquaintance during this trip.

It's almost comical thinking about this past week in Puerto Rico, as 'lackhealthster' Joe. Because I was on vacation with my friend's family, I was on their time, at all times. I did not exercise. I ate close to no vegetables. The extent of my veggie-eating entailed strands of overcooked peppers drenched in too much butter, which lay over a bed of white or yellow rice. Granted, I had a couple of home-cooked meals by TiTi Myrna, a chicken, rice and bean delicacy; but still, the cruciferous crew was not in attendance. I ate fried food—everyday. Fried plantains, fried empanadas, fried fish... I drank every night. I drank beer, hard alcohol and sugary frozen drinks. I drank often on an empty stomach. I drank because people tend to have a "mid afternoon drink" versus actual food, and though I could have declined, opted to "fit in."

I drank no water. When I was offered a cup of water, it was as though I'd seen a small pond in the desert. I must have had at most, two cups of water per day. That's probably not so good considering that my skin was baking in the sun, exposing its dryness to more cancer-causing UV rays! I went to bed every night at 3 AM on a bumpy mattress and pillow that raised my head at an obtuse angle from my shoulders. I slept for a total of five hours per night. I ate pork loin, chorizo (sausage), egg yolks in butter, refined white breads, trans-fatty crackers, non-homemade pastries, nothing whole grain. I let more than five or six hours pass in between meals and I ate the bulk of my calories at night. I ate, slept, drank and functioned according to those around me. My independence was stripped away for one week and already I was able to feel the extreme difference that my healthy machine of a body went though. People really live like this. People live their whole lives eating starches, meats, processed foods, zero vegetables and fruits, all while sitting on their asses and drinking beer.

It dawned on me that the commercialization of Puerto Rico is to blame, and NOT the people's lack of desire to eat well. The food is cheap at Wal-greens. Burger King tastes good and is very local: there is one on almost every block in San Juan. I wondered if anyone else's body craved fiber as much as mine. My protruded bloated belly scoffed at me: what da HELL are u doing right now to me, Marissa?? Somebody has taken over your mind and I don't like it, not one bit!! The subject of this post is the question I constantly wanted to ask all of the people I met on this vacation.

I now REALLY understand why people have all of these horrible health problems. When breakfast, lunch and dinner consists of packaged-up foods and when the only "natural" foods happen to be meat from an animal or beans from a can, Houston, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

Although Puerto Rico is a U.S. dependent territory, I still couldn't believe how Americanized it really was. I know that my seven days in Puerto Rico is only just the beginning of my commericialized cognizance. In our era, choosing foods from our mega-food industry is the mainstream way to eat.

I am back in NYC, and have since had a day of vegetables and fruits billowing out of my ears. I'll stick to that for now...

Roasted Walnut Oil

The best thing you will ever eat, is Trader Joe's Roasted Walnut Oil. Hands DOWN. This morning, I poured some of this nutty-tasting, clear, light oil all over my spelt and bulgur wheat (best results come from pre-soaking the bulgur the night before, and pre-cooking the spelt either day of or night before). The walnut oil and grain consistency is heavenly. But Trader's Roasted Walnut Oil is incredible with almost anything. I soaked the remainder of a piece of bread in some of this stuff and it tastes better than any oil I've ever tried. Plus, it's healthy!! Walnuts are a great source of omega-3 fatty acids. I've acclimated my tastebuds to the oily alcholic taste of flaxseed oil, which is also a great source of the omega-3's, but if you're not a fan of flax or fish oils, and don't seem to enjoy chomping on whole walnuts, Roasted Walnut Oil is the answer. I could also see this oil pairing well with a vegetable salad, or mixing it in a tuna or chicken salad. You must buy Roasted Walnut Oil immediately. I have yet to try a different brand because the first time I ever experienced Roasted Walnut Oil was only two days ago when I purchased it from Trader's. No matter the brand, I don't think I will ever have a cabinet devoid of Roasted Walnut Oil again!

Mister Multi-task

In 1765, the sandwich was invented by John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, who gave the food its name. The Earl used to order roast beef between pieces of toast for a snack while he was at the gaming tables, it allowed him to keep one hand free to play while he ate.

Gym Woes

While I was rowing, I couldn’t concentrate because of a rotund woman [with what seemed like hotdog rolls for ankles] on a nearby elliptical machine. Slowly bopping up and down, she tilted her head in my direction and revealed an enormous toothy grin. I tried not to look over at her; however, that required some severe tilting of my neck to the left, which would not only cause a strain, but also make me look like an idiot. I couldn’t imagine what was so funny watching me row. Rowing is typically not a very humorous activity. I got up off of my machine, no longer able to ‘bear the stare.’ I hopped on a bike adjacent to the woman’s elliptical. I looked out toward the rowing machine—maybe there was a ‘kick me’ sign or a beehive under the wheel… All I could see was Conan on the TV above. And low and behold… I grinned.

Chirashi

For dinner tonight, I ate sushi with my parents. Eating with them is fun—mainly because, one, they order more than three human bodies can comfortably hold in one sitting, and two, they aren’t possessive over their food (which enables me to eat about a ¼ off mom’s plate, and then a ¼ off of dad’s). We ordered in tonight from a local Rockaway restaurant called, Osake. When eating with the ‘rents, I tend to adopt animalistic tendencies that I wouldn’t normally use in public. For example, I enjoy using chopsticks. But at home, I take complete comfort and pleasure in grabbing a thick piece of tuna with my little hand, smearing and smooshing it all around in soy and/or miso sauce, and then—only after it’s all “gujed-up,”—will I toss it deep into the back of my throat and feel it’s sliminess slither all the way down my esoph. Tonight I had Chirashi with brown rice—very easy to grip with the bare hand. See attached image.

New Favorite Blogs:

http://www.roboppy.net/food/
www.megnut.com

I want to eat with these women!

Plasmodium malariae

Infected RBCs

This is just the P. malariae-- not nearly as deadly as the full-blown malarial species of P. falciparum and P. vivax. Imagine what that'd do to you......

H. pylori

You do NOT want this.

My Bday in BED (4-29-06)

Location:
BED 530 W. 27th St. bet 10th and 11th, New York, NY

Some favorite pics from the night...

























GUEST LIST

Who's in BED?

I'll see you in BED!
104

· Marissa Beck (The Organizer)
· sheena.sahibdeen (+ 1 guest) (04/28)
You know I be there :) We're bringin it back this weekend!!!
· stephenmdalton (+ 1 guest) (04/28)
· michael_vinograd (04/28)
· joshua.b.cooper (+ 2 guests) (04/28)
· goombaa415 (04/27)
yo marissa i need a bed so hook me up babe
· chelseaegreene (+ 10 guests) (04/26)
Why on earth would I miss my Jewfrican sisters b-day party. You always come through for me so of course I want to get into bed with you. My husband and I and a few other sexy bedders will be joining us to celebrate you. And yes we want a bed of our own. Oh yea and I've got the cake covered.
· michelle (+ 1 guest) (04/25)
Feliz cumpleanos a mi cacuete!
· Jon (04/25)
· Matt (+ 22 guests) (04/24)
Heck yeah... anything to get into bed with the diesel beckanator. begly and i will be rolling 23 deep, so be prepared to get wild
· jmenezes (04/23)
· adamschneider.adam (04/23)
· sylvia.alonso (+ 1 guest) (04/23)
happy birthday!!!
· jvnyc5 (+ 1 guest) (04/22)
· dia (04/22)
· Stephanie (+ 1 guest) (04/22)
· lordnap20 (04/22)
· Erica (+ 3 guests) (04/22)
Let's relive the madrid craziness of your bday 2 years ago! YOU'RE 23! YOU'RE 23!! WOOO
· jatallah (+ 1 guest) (04/22)
Of course I'll be there puella
· alexeiw (04/22)
I can't wait to go to bed with all 48 people who have replied! I'm going to be pretty tired by the end of the night :-)
· afriedel (04/22)
· Joe Pontone (04/21)
· joe.clemente (+ 2 guests) (04/21)
· Reid (+ 1 guest) (04/21)
Bad Joke Kate, we all know you get no bunns. Camilo I dont know who your 2 guests are cause you only have one friend and I am already going (The AE does not count as 2 guests dick). Sorry about all this Riss, but I will be there.
· kate.rosenbaum (+ 3 guests) (04/21)
This location is perfect!!! Now I won't have to travel far to bring a guy back to "bed" with me. Ha, I crack myself up.
· donvincez (04/20)
· ianschimmel (04/18)
nigga bear, just got sunday the 30th off so im def coming. i might bring a little honey with me if its alright. prolly wont happen but just in case. well see if she keeps behaving. haha. see you soon baby!
· ravenallegra (04/18)
wooooooohooooooooo
· mdeccles (+ 1 guest) (04/18)
· gabyacalderon (04/18)
count me in b'day girl!
· crincon (+ 2 guests) (04/18)
with or without reid "i cream my pants over finance" ross, ill be there.... happy bday
· kelsey seals (+ 1 guest) (04/17)
wouldn't miss it ....nos vamos a la cama!! haaa
· cyrielle.jean (04/17)
deffff!!!
· lauren (04/17)
I be there!
· joncandidi (04/17)
· rachelcamilleyoung (04/17)
happy b day marissa! see u there....
· luke.murumba (04/17)
· ani.bagdasarian (04/16)
ohhlalala-- I'll be there my precious little chinchilla!
· gbuscaino (+ 3 guests) (04/16)
· dnicoledavis (04/16)
ill be in the city that weekend, yay!
· douglas.cress (04/16)
Vladimir Krestovich will be in attendance.
· snbeck683 (+ 2 guests) (04/15)
wouldn't miss it!!
· hall.colleen (04/15)
I'm in NYC this weekend!!!! But I'll def come back in 2 weeks just to be in Bed with you!
· melissateich (04/15)
i'm there !!! :)
· margo.rivera (04/15)
How is this night different than any other night??

Scallions

I just don't care how healthy scallions are. I don't care if they provide 997 IUs of Vit A, if they're a good source of folate, or if they're part of the healthy onion fam. Okay, GREAT, they provide more Vit C and beta-carotene than a full-grown onion. Wonderful, they're simple to cook with. Fabulous, they're easy to grow. But WHO REALLY CARES about how healthy these little green rascals are when they turn your fresh, neutral-tasting mouth into a warm, potent, lingering bath of "onion-ous" steam?

They look harmless, don't they. Don't be fooled. Chowhound's General Topics message board reveals:

"I'm a Chinese-American who grew up with Chinese cooking at home and loves all sorts of Asian cuisine. But I hate scallions, and can never order in an Asian restaurant without asking the staff, "can you make it without scallions?" Scallion pancakes, negimaki, blech! Then scallions started turning up in Italian pastas...aargh. My friend once made me an anti-scallion t-shirt."

And there you have it, folks. This smart person recognized the truth. Scallions are fooling people everyday. They know they are life's best kept secret upon how to scare away a flock of fellow friends... They want you to be alone, all alone. They haunt you while you sleep. Suddenly, scallion-breath will jolt you awake and no longer will you be able to re-kindle your pleasant dream about frolicking in the strawberry fields. You have been beaten. Scallions will win over us all if we don't put an end to their lure. They mask the truth behind a bland miso soup, a creamy cream cheese, an egg-white omelet... They're just a deceptive ploy to knock out any other taste bud in your mouth-- all so that Little Miss Scallion can govern your oral empire and take over the world!!!!!!!

METS, game 10. It's so addictive I just had to come back...

M-E-T-S

Peter and Margo : it got COLD...

The Game.

Pete, Margs, Doug, Me.


NYM vs. ATL. What did we do? WE WON 4-3, yes we did. In addition, we, (and when I say we, I mean: Doug C., Margo R., Pete S., and Yo) , learned the beauty of aluminum Bud bottles. Only it was too cold to appreciate the temp-control capabilities that the bottle so brilliantly demonstrates when in scorching heat...

MISTER MET

THIS IS MR. MET. He's probably some recent college grad.

Today, Teich and I went to game 9, Brewers v. Mets. Mets won 9-3, YEAAAA.

GREAT day for a game. Sun was shining, crowd was loud, fans as loyal as ever. Teich cracked peanuts all over the floor.

It's a good year to be a Met fan, let's go!

Bodies, the Exhibition

Went to BODIES, the exhibition, down at the South Street Seaport. Remarkable. A med-school student's study-haven. Words can't justify the likes of this exhibit. Nor do these pictures. But they're pretty good!

Here are some professional pictures taken off the internet. Some were taken at the exhibition down in Tampa, FL.


Night View from South Street Seaport taken with my cell, a little blurry.
My BODIES partner in crime, Doug.
This one is a definite favorite of mine. Because the muscles are peeled away from each other, you can see exactly where the origins and insertions occur.
This guy is split apart down the middle! And what's amazing is that it's all symmetrical. It's a cool shot because you can really see all of the organs well and how each fits together. You can also see just how gigantic the liver is compared to the rest of the organs.
Man with prosthetic skull, chin..
"The cadavers in 'Bodies' are preserved using a process called plastination, or plasticization. In the process body water and fats are replaced with liquid silicone rubber." -- John Roachfor National Geographic News
August 29, 2005

Smoker's lungs. UGHHHHH!!!!!!!

JACK LA LANNE

In the March/April edition of WebMD magazine, Michael W. Smith, MD interviewed Jack La Lanne, “the godfather of fitness,” and finds out his opinion on American health and fitness. Personally, I found the article to be both inspiring and comical. Below is the interview, plus my comments.

Michael W. Smith, MD: You had the first nationally syndicated exercise show on TV. What's been the biggest change in the U.S. attitude toward exercise since you became one of its first advocates?

Jack La Lanne: I had the first, modern health spa in the world --- 1936, can you believe that? I was the first one to have women working out with weights. Now, everything is fitness. Still, there are more fat people in America than there's ever been in our history.

Marissa Beck: Jack, you da man. Because of you, I am a jacked Arnoldina Schwarzenegger.

MWS: What's been the biggest change in nutrition?

JLL: I've been preaching this message about eating more fruits and vegetables and natural foods for 75 years. They used to call me a crackpot. Now the doctors are recommending it. It makes me feel so good. I feel like I've won a battle.

MB: Yes. You have won. Look at you; you’re in better shape than 75% of America’s college-age students!

MWS: You are almost 92. What's your current fitness routine?

JLL: I get up at 5 a.m. and work out for two hours. I lift weights for an hour and a half and I spend another half hour in the pool. I never miss my workout. And I hate it.

MB: I wanna know what you’re doing in that gym for an hour and a half. Back squats or something? WOW!

MWS: Did Jack LaLanne really just say he hates working out?

JLL: Yes! But I like the results. You've got to use your mind and body every day. You've got to sacrifice. It's use it or lose it. Life is wonderful. Life is fantastic. Anything in life that's meaningful, you've got to work at it.

MB: Best advice I heard in awhile. Reread that!!

MWS: How is your health right now?

JLL: Couldn't be better. I keep my wife smiling occasionally. Not like I did when I was 21, but everything still works.

MB: HOLD UP, back UP… “Everything still works.” If you’re still roughin’ it in between the sheets, Jack, I guess we know your secret. The real question is: who’s the wild, rabid animal you married?

MWS: What's the best health advice you've ever gotten?

JLL: I attended a health lecture when I was 15. I'll never forget it. The gentleman speaking said, "Anything in life is possible if you make it happen. You can be born again if you start eating properly." He got to me, boy. My eyes opened up. I was a full-blown sugarholic. That's why I dropped out of school for six months when I was 15. I was a trouble-maker. I was contemplating suicide. And when I quit eating sugar, my whole life changed. Boom! I started eating natural foods in their natural state. I wanted to be an athlete. I wanted the girls to like me. I wanted to have a nice body. I wanted to get rid of the headaches. And this man said I could do it.

MB: WHO IS HE??? TRACK HIM DOWN! Get that gentleman-speaker in ALL the American schools! I don’t care if he’s 124 years old!

MWS: What's your health philosophy?

JLL: I tell people living is a pain in the butt. Dying is easy. It's like an athletic event. You've got to train for it. You got to eat right. You got to exercise. You've got to have goals and challenges. Forget the good old days. What you do this moment controls the next moment. Your health account, your bank account, they're the same thing. The more you put in, the more you can take out.

MB: I like you Jack. A lot. Can we run away together?

MWS: What's your best health habit? Your worst?

JLL: My best is what I eat and the exercise. My worst is --- I don't have any.

MB: OH come on, you liar. You have to have ONE you’re not thinking about. I know. You don’t get much sleep because you’re rompin’ your wife every night. WOOP WOOP!

MWS: What do you eat for breakfast every day?

JLL: I eat two meals a day. At my 11 a.m. meal, I have a bunch of fruit, three to four pieces. And I'll have four egg whites. Would you get your dog up in the morning and give him a cup of coffee and a cigarette and a donut? Why, you'd kill the dog. You'd be amazed at how many people in America get up with a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and donut. And then they wonder why they're sick and tired. It's the wrong fuel for the human machine.

MB: Yeah, I agree about the dog. But what about YOU? Fruit and egg whites? Is that the magic food? Hey, I’m not arguing. You’re 92, I’m 22…

MWS: Do you take vitamins or supplements?

JLL: You kidding? I've been taking vitamins since I was 15 years old. I started juicing when I was 15. Have you seen my juicer commercial? That's one of the most successful things in the history of television.

MB: What do you take? Living pills? Enlighten us all.

MWS: Is it hard to go out to eat and follow your diet?

JLL: [My wife] Elaine and I eat out at a different restaurant every night of the year except Christmas and New Year's. I get there and I say, "I want 10 raw vegetables. I don't care what it costs." I don't tell my stomach I'm a poor man. I have a piece of fish, 3 or 4 ounces, and a salad. I bring my own soup because the soups in restaurants are terrible. And a banana or an apple. And maybe a glass of wine. I drink half red and half white zinfandel.

MB: Jack, that’s all nice for Seniors to do. But see how many friends I have left if I start traveling with soups and bananas. My snacks in tub-a-wares are hard enough!

MWS: What's your favorite part of your body?

JLL: I have never liked any part of my body. Even when I was Mr. America and won all those contests. When you get satisfied, you give up. Keep the carrot in front of the horse.

MB: Hmmm, I disagree. I like my nails, and I haven't given up. You better believe I maintain these beauties.

MWS: What do you look for in a doctor?

JLL: I go for younger ones. They're all up to date with the new things.

MB: HAHAHHAHA. Now we know why your wife has her umph.

MWS: What disease would you like to see eradicated in your lifetime?

JLL: Heart disease. That's one of the No. 1 killers. It comes from being f-a-t. F-a-tal. People need to make good food choices.

MB: TRUDAT

MWS: What is the solution for a fitter America?

JLL: It's in the schools. You've got to teach kids about nutrition, exercise and how it will make them more beautiful. You've got to teach it like everything else. What the hell good is all your money and education, if all you end up with is a Ph.D. and you're constipated, you've got no energy, your sex life is gone? The only important thing in life is your health and your body. Can you make love to your money?

MB: This is the truest statement I have ever heard. He speaks like it is. Kids don’t think health is the #1. They think $$ is. Here's what I think about business-high rollers. They make tons of money working long hours, working like dogs... They end their days with a wadful of cash in their pockets, but they have to use most of it later on in life to fix all of the health problems that they could have easily prevented earlier on in their lives if only they took some required personal time out during the day for themselves. I say, PUT SOME SAVINGS INTO THE HEALTH BANK ACCOUNT, TOO!

For the full interview, go to www.webmd.com and search "Jack La Lanne"

Two favorite sites of the day:

Grocery Store Wars.. Join the Organic Rebellion

Look closely...

Got Flava?

David Burke, a leading NYC chef (now inventor), created what he believes to be the next best thing to chocolate cake. Sit down, drum roll your thigh, and take a deep breath…

A “SPRAY” chocolate cake!

Need I say more?

I should probably end this blog entry RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

But I’m just so excited right now I could hardly contain my typing-fingers.

Just imagine... A luscious piece of chocolate cake in your mouth, without the cals, carbs, cholesterol, sugar, or fat. Finally, you can have your cake, eat it too—AND get out of jail for free! And according to Burke, it will, “…eliminate your cravings.”

Well, put aside your chuck-box full of Hydroxycut, Hollywood Miracle Diet, and Wow potato chips, and sign up for the FLAVA ride!!!

Can’t stand the sarcasm? Neither can I.

Ready for… the catch?

You’re probably now expecting me to berate Burke’s Flavor Spray, tear apart every last ingredient that could possibly be inside of this chemically loaded squirt gun, and put him to shame…

Well, lucky you, I do not have the ingredient list in my pocket for an on-hand attack. But I do have a list of countless flavors that I am thrilled to ridicule at my leisure. And boy do I have the leisure…

I haven’t tried a “flavor spray,” myself, nor do I have a dying urge to run out and load up my cabinets with them, but I'll play the role of the unfair critic anyway.

Here are a list of some of Burke's fine Flavor Sprays (and my very informative commentary)

1. Parmesan Cheese Spray – Riiiight, you try to convince Mama Italiana to have her Rigatoni à la Spray…

2. Pesto Spray – sure, I could see this working—if you add in your own pine nuts and oil, that is…

3. Smoked Bacon Spray – the spray has to be better than the real thing…

4. Caramelized Onion Spray – Who cares?

5. Ketchup Spray – Why?

6. Buttery Spray - Didn’t we have enough when I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!® came out with “spray butter” ? Apparently not…

7. Memphis BBQ Spray – Okay, you tell one of your BBQ buddies to substitute “spray” on their ribs, that’ll go over well.

8. Ice Blue Salt Spray – What the %$*# is this? Do I spray this into my pool?

9. Apple Pie Spray – What are you, an All-American traitor?

10. Pepper City Spray – can I use this instead of Mace?

11. Raspberry Bubblegum Spray – Clue a girl in, this spray goes on… ???

12. Marshmallow Spray – Can I toast this?

13. Cheesecake Spray – no comment.

14. Chocolate Fudge Spray – next.

15. Kiwi Spray – I’m confused. This WONDROUS fruit is cholesterol-free, saturated fat-free, high in fiber, high in vitamin C, a good source of potassium, a good source of vitamin E, sodium-free… and you want to spray it?

16. Mango Spray – ditto.

17. Pinapple Spray – sacrilege.

18. Blueberry Spray – have fun missing out on one of the world’s healthiest foods…


References:
(http://www.flavorspraydiet.com/shop.html)

AFLATOXIN

That sounds scary, doesn’t it? AFLATOXIN. Especially in cap locks. AFLATOXIN. That’s what they do to you, the “health field.” They make you sick to your stomach worrying about all of the potent carcinogens out there, such as AFLATOXIN, to the point where all of the worrying, stress, anxiety, and unnecessary vigilance your body undergoes is probably just as damaging as the actual ingestion of the carcinogen, itself.

What is AFLATOXIN, you wonder? To be precise, it is produced by a couple of fungi, namely, Aspergillus Flavus, and is a naturally occurring mold (or as we health professionals like to use in order to scare people: TOXIN) found on food products such as peanuts, corn, and peanut butter. It’s also been said to linger on pecans, pistachios and walnuts, in addition to milk, grains, soybeans and some spices.

Scared already? Let’s thank our favorite health “expert,” Dr. Weil, a leader in the current health-anxiety-movement, aka, FREAK people out 24 hours of the day and make TONS of money off of it.

According to Dr. Weil’s Q&A segment on his homepage, published October 22, 2002, “Aflatoxin is a potent carcinogen, known to cause liver cancer in laboratory animals and may contribute to liver cancer in Africa where peanuts are a dietary staple.”

Thanks, thanks for the update. Clearly, now that you have told me this pertinent piece of information, I will stay far, far away from anything that could contain AFLATOXIN so that I may reduce my cancer risks… As a matter of fact, while I’m at it, why don’t I also read up on the Department of Health and Human Services’ Report on Carcinogens, headed by the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, which I have trusted as a very reputable source, and figure out all of the other crap that’s going to kill me. To name a few:

Saccharin, Ethyl acrylate, Environmental tobacco smoke, Tobacco smoking, Smokeless tobacco, Consumption of alcoholic beverages, Solar UV radiation and exposure to sunlamps and sunbeds, Crystalline silica, Strong inorganic acid mists containing sulfuric acid, Dyes metabolized to benzidine, 1,3-Butadiene, Cadmium and cadmium compounds, Ethylene oxide, Tamoxifen, Diesel exhaust particulates, Isoprene, Chloroprene, Phenolphthalein, Tetrafluoroethylene, Trichloroethylene. (Reference: 2000. Fact Sheet: The "Report on Carcinogens" - 9th edition. National Institutes of Health news release. (May 15). Available at http://www.nih.gov/news/pr/may2000/niehs-15.htm.)

Like most health info out there on the internet, news papers, magazines, I feel like our fears about aflatoxins, amongst many other carcinogenic substances, have been severely exaggerated. I am not taking anything away from the possibly carcinogenic effect of aflatoxin. Nor am I going to start smoking a pack of cigs per day and sit out in the sun for hours without consciously being aware that, yes, I am indeed killing myself.

But MY GOD, scare us and scare us some more so that we may become lab rats, ourselves, testing our own skin, hair, intestines, feet, and nails for fungi and tumors and lesions so that we can live our lives in constant fear and look up to Dr. Weil like he’s Big Brother.

Using the same safety measures as we would with any type of fresh food that we eat, I’d say that the moral of this story is to check your food for mold, sniff it for weird fungi-like odors, and put your goddamn peanut butter in the fridge!!!!!!!!!

Do our Bodies have "Body-Wisdom" ?

Last night, I sat in on a nutrition course at Columbia University in Teachers College. The course was called: Food, nutrition and behavior. It focused on the physiological, psychological, and socio-cultural factors that affect eating behaviors and the development of individual and cultural food patterns.

It certainly had me thinking about whether or not humans have the ability to physiologically self-select certain foods. In other words, do humans have the natural ability to know which nutrients their bodies are deficient in, and can humans naturally choose these nutrients in order to avoid deficiency. Koala Bears are more specific eaters—they eat eucalyptus leaves. Pandas eat bamboo. There is no need to self-select. Humans, rats, and cockroaches can eat everything. This is why the “body wisdom” argument is valid. Having not read any of the research, the discussion still sparked some thoughts on my end:

1. If one were to contend that we do have this so-called "body wisdom," I think the answer could be found within taste. If "we eat what we like," then, aside from our knowledge-base about foods and how we use this knowledge to select foods, our tongues do much of the choosing for us. Maybe some tongues have a keener internal detector and recognition system than others! MAYBE, Darwin's survival of the fittest arguement is "fitting." Those with the "superior taste buds," (who enjoy the taste of avocado, olives, whole grains…etc) perhaps are more predisposed to healthier eating. I don't know, just a thought.

2. Now we add in the knowledge factor, and using this knowledge about foods to our health advantage. People could be conscious about health foods and its effects—AND STILL NOT SELECT A NUTRITIOUS DIET. Does this have to do with body wisdom and where does psychology come in? How do we distinguish between physiological hungers for specific foods from mental hunger for specific foods?

3. How do guilty pleasures fit into this puzzle? Although some would certainly beg to differ, I don't think we have physiological NEEDS for chocolate, and yet the "mental deficiency" is so powerful that it can be misinterpreted as a physiological need or DEPENDENCY. Maybe this should fall under the relationship between tastes of foods to neurological responses…

4. Also, when given an array of choices, kids opt for the sweeter tastes of milk and fruit. This could in part be due to the sweet palatable tastes of the lactose and fructose sugars. But what if kids' body-wisdom is directing them toward the foods that they need most. I actually feel that kids DO have body wisdom here—aside from taste. Since kids' bodies are constantly growing and need more energy, their bodies might internally select foods that will convert into quick energy. This way, kids can match their nutritional needs with their energy needs. Therefore, I really think a strong argument can be made for physiological self-selection of food, at least in this case.

5. Animals try to avoid deficiency. Understandable. Random choice allows animals to fulfill certain deficiencies. Absolutely. Based solely upon this exact principle, restrictive diets will NEVER work. Providing this simple, logical, and yet influential piece of information can perhaps help the Great Dieters of America.

Eating Contests

My friend, Raven, and I were watching Nathan's Famous Hot dog Eating Contest and all of the work that goes into it prior to competition. In one word: it's INTENSE. There is a method to the madness, or as I like to put it, an art to "stuffing one's face."

The good competitors know that they need to adequately prepare their stomachs for the massive quantities of food that will enter into it. This means inflating it with excessive amounts of water, fibrous foods, and anything else that distends the stomach.

Kobayashi, aka "The Tsunami," secured his fifth straight win on July 4, 2005, by consuming 49 Nathan's Famous hot dogs and buns in 12 minutes. Although he weighs in at only 144 pounds, he has mastered the art of food stuffing. According to Kobayashi, this is because he is an ultra fitness and health buff. He believes that in order for his body to metabolize and stuff in the food, he needs to be in excellent condition.

Okay, is it me, or... WHEN DID SOMEONE NEED TO BE ULTRA FIT TO STUFF THEIR FACE PROPERLY???????? Call me bizarre, but isn't ultra fat more fitting??????

I was also under the impression that larger individuals do not have proper amounts of the hormone "leptin," (from the Greek leptos, meaning thin) which is involved in the important effects in regulating body weight, metabolism and reproductive function. So, wouldn't Kobayashi's lean, muscular body have lots of this hormone???? Wouldn't his body physically be unable to consume as much as the 280 lb pack of meat to his right???

In any case, I guess our bodies have physical limits. Some have seemingly transgressed these, h0wever.

If you haven't already figured it out, I really like food.

But I also like the way people relate to their food--culturally, nutritionally, emotionally...

I've noticed that our culture is continuously trying to use food as a vehicle for new trends, weight loss, weight gain... And suddenly, we find ourselves believing every fad diet, Hollywood drink, or "bun" machine that will magically erase the years of pie and cake from your thighs-- in, oh, about three days.

How convenient. So convenient, YOU FORGOT TO LOSE.

Adopt a "my way or the highway" mentality. Don’t allow these crazy new OR old diets get in the way of your own lifestyle and the way you want to eat. Don’t be scared that you’re eating the wrong thing, or doing the wrong thing. Unless you are licking the nonstick spray off your pans, I’m sure you’ll survive. Granted, there are a number of foods out there on the shelves that actually HAVE the same ingredients in them as a nonstick cooking spray—but unless you live in a bubble of people that all share the same values on food, exercise and diet, it is very rare that you will be able to stick to a restrictive meal plan that these fad diets advocate.

AMERICA is a mixing pot of ethnicities, cultures, foods, people—we are not one nation under the same religion, with the same dietary values. The beauty of this country is that so many cultures ARE actually surrounding us. Sure, you may find picky food connoisseurs attack a restaurant for failing to produce an "authentic" Peking duck, as it lacks proper amounts of bitterness to the sauce... But otherwise, how wonderful it is that we can join a diverse population, by the culturally different types of food we eat.

The POINT is that when we live in a culture that embraces myriad foods, it isn’t too realistic to restrict food groups and the like (unless, of course, you have cornered yourself off from the magical and diverse world we have out there, in which case you are depriving yourself in more ways other than "dietetically.") Macrobiotic diets are definitely healthy. Diets that emphasize whole grains, vegetables and legumes are certainly something to strive for. Limiting saturated and trans fats in the diet is surely something to take note of. The amount of nutritional information out there is endless—anyone can look up how to eat healthily. You don’t need a diet or book or nutritionist to tell you that part. Then what’s stopping America from just doin’ it already?????

EVERYONE has their own ideas on that one. Processed foods, oversized portions, lack of physical activity, lack of education, sugar, trans fat, you name it…yada yada yada. All of these answers are probably correct. But before I put my two cents on the table, let me propose this question to my inquisitive reader: When you have Q-tips in your draw the size of a large shoebox, do you think twice about using two or three or maybe even four? What do you do when there is A LOT of something around you? Conserving some for later isn’t usually your first thought. A family-styled meal of raviolis comes out of the kitchen at Mambo Italiano’s. First thought? “There’s enough ravioli’s here for my family, the fam to the right of us, AND for the army in Iraq.” So you pack about 15 of them in your mouth, and waddle out of the restaurant blaming the cooks for serving so much pasta.

Wouldn’t it be GREAT if we could just blame the cooks at restaurants? Problem is, when they actually serve you a regular portion of, let’s say, a piece of fish, you’ll be rattling off your mouth post-meal about how expensive the place was, “for two measly bites of a piece of salmon!” And so when you get home, you scarf down the icecream in your freezer to equal out the calories you lost at your proportionally correct meal at dinner.

Now if only you had realized that you CAN save some for later. The “save some for later” notion is something anyone can do. Carry around a small tub-a-ware if your eyes are larger than your belly, and fill it up—for later! Maybe later, you’ll realize you were full off of a certain amount… We forget the power of the doggy bag.

Moderation is the word we all are sick and tired of hearing. But it’s a good word. The phrase ALL things in moderation—the biggest oxymoron of them all—is truly "moronic." SOME things in moderation would make the phrase candid. There will always be that moment when family dinners overwhelm you. Hence, SOME.

TAKE HOME MESSAGE:

You are like a snowflake, thank you comedian Lewis Black, and you are different from the other snowflakes. So what makes you think you can have the same eating plan as me? Or him? Or her? Or your mother? YOU CAN’T!! You can’t, my friend, you can’t. So don’t try to follow Cousin Emma, stalking her in order to mimic her “dietal” habits! Because have you forgotten? Emma is allergic to peanuts and can’t eat peanut butter. That’s a shame… Peanut butter is good, healthy too—and you sure like peanut butter. So have the thing! Just EAT IT! Eat it and forget about it. It digests, it does so like this: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx!!!!!!!