A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE TRAINER'S STORY

You asked for it. You got it. Here's A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY from Belinda's perspective... By Marissa Beck (Even better if read alongside the original!)

Dear Diary.
I've taken on yet another tall, lanky, muscle-deprived older man as a client, Milton Goldberg, whose wife thinks personal training sessions with me will magically get his body looking and feeling like it did when she first met him… Because I didn't want to admit that her beloved Milton would never be an Arnold anytime in the next, oh, lifetime, I put on a chirpy face and assured her that her husband would be a "ROCKSTAR!" by the time I was through with him. Here are some of my training notes:

MONDAY
Pumped up after my own hour-long cycle/row workout, I met with Milton at 6AM. Thank goodness he was prompt; there's nothing worse than tardiness. I am used to clients who don't dress properly for their workouts, but I must say, never in my life have I seen anyone so oddly and inappropriately clad. Yes it's winter, but a woolen vest? I asked Milton if he wanted to take the vest off, but he crossed his arms, squinted his eyes and shook his head rapidly. Okay. So I had him hop on the treadmill. I was quite surprised to find that Milton never actually saw a treadmill before, and even though I had the speed at a comfortable 3.6, felt him wheeze and cough all over me. It reminded me of the sporadic steam-room blasts of wet air… only, his breath smelled like skunk and stale toast. His rubber sandals squeaked with every step and it was hard for me to actually take a pulse. He kept looking at me between sweaty blinks and said that my polypropylene sports-top, which he called Lycra (anything but!), was very fitted. Thanks Milton, you perve. Five minutes later, his HR was 140 bpm and we hadn't even begun our workout! I quickly whisked him off of the treadmill and decided to show him the weights. He touched the rack of dumbbells as if he were searching for a ripe apple in a supermarket. When we crunched, he grabbed his stomach like he was giving birth. At least he was beaming with excitement. Where did this guy come from?

TUESDAY
Milton was as jittery as a school-girl who wet her pants, so I had him lie down on a bench. A nice bench wkout can fix up just about anyone… or so I thought. Milton could hardly lift the 45-pound barbell WITH my spot. But he still had a smile on his face, so I assumed that meant he wanted more. I put on a couple of plates. Just 2.5 pounds, but my, did Milton gawk at me when I did that!! Next I put him on the treadmill and it looked like he had a pole running through his behind. To my surprise, the guy made a full mile! I think I'm really helping him because he thanked me profusely at the end of our workout. These are the days that make training these suckers worthwhile!

WEDNESDAY
Milton strolled into the gym 15 minutes late, and he didn't even apologize! This agitated me, so I stuck him on the treadmill for a little warm up right away. The man began to screech and hold his little pecs like I was poking him with a vaccine. Other members started looking at us in fright, so I raised my voice and said, "Milton! Toughen up!" He didn't take to the Sergeant Bilko sort of tone… So I softened, and put him on the Stairmaster. That's a lot easier than running. But he seemed to have a problem with that too, grimacing and shaking his head again! I told him life isn't as awful as he thinks it is. At least he has a wonderful wife who cares about him enough to buy such expensive training sessions with me. (I mean, what a spoiled, arrogant little baby—I work hard for the money so he better treat me right!)

THURSDAY
Milton is lucky that I didn't clock him with a cable this morning for arriving 30 minutes late. When he finally got here, it looked like a stray dog dragged him in from a nightlong storm. His collared jean shirt had holes in the armpits and he kept tripping over the bottoms of his enormous khaki pants, AT LEAST FOUR TIMES as we walked over to the dumbbells. I turned to grab an eight-pounder and the sneaky sonuva gun slipped away like a bandit. But I showed him. Grabbed Lars, who mind you, used to wrestle for the WWE. Whatever Lars did worked, because Milton acquiesced and sat down on the erg. He looked like he was at a rodeo riding a bull.

FRIDAY
What an angry-looking face on this cretin. I was alarmed to see that Milton had his finger pointed at me underneath the towel, as if it were a gun! Oh silly Milton—he couldn't hurt a soul! I decided that today should be a triceps day. As I had him lying back in skull-crusher position, his nostrils flared wider with every elbow bend. It actually looked really scary. Something funny happened during our workout, though… (I can say it is funny NOW, but at the time, we thought Milton had died because he didn't get up for some time). He fell off of the end of the treadmill! Like a little feather, he floated peacefully onto the floor—right at the foot of another trainer. It looked like slow-mo! I think Milton is a drama-queen… I'm sure it didn't "hurt" as much as he said it did.

SATURDAY
I know that chump was sleeping in his warm little bed. I bet he contrived the whole thing, planning to stand me up. Unacceptable! I left him a message. I am almost positive he screened my call. Of course, I was way too nice on his answering machine. I should have bribed him with pizza or whatever those people eat.

SUNDAY
I'm resorting to a no-training-unappreciative-nitwits policy. Amen.

NOT YOUR FAULT...

"Obesity-promoting behaviors are controlled by factors outside the individual and obese individuals cannot be expected to have total self-control over their weight in an environment that promotes weight gain by reinforcing overeating and inactivity any more than they can control their genes." ~Poston and Foreyt

A WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

Dear Diary.
For my sixty fifth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 45 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress ..

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of
bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club
to find Belinda
waiting for me. She is something of a Greek
goddess - with blond hair,
dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo
Hoo!! Belinda
gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She
took my pulse after five
minutes on the
treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so
fast, but I attribute it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobic
outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted
her aerobics class
after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, all
though my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time
she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made
it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy
iron bar into the air
then she put weights on it! My legs were a little
wobbly on
the treadmill, but I made the full mile.
Belinda's rewarding smile made
it all worthwhile. I feelGREAT-!! It's a whole
new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on
the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I
believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.
Driving was OK as long as I
didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a
GEO in the
club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me,insisting that my
screams bothered other
club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the
morning and when she
scolds, She gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying. My
chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so
Belinda put me onthe stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
machine to
simulate an activity rendered obsolete by
elevators? Belindatold me it
would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She
said some
other shit too.

THURSDAY
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like
teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn't help
being a half an hour late, it took me that long
to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was
not
looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She
sent Lars to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing
machine --
which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human
being has everhated any
other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny,
anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of
mybody I could move
without unbearable pain, I would beat her with
it. Belinda
wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have
anytriceps! And if you
don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the
M----- f-----
barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill
flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like
the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in
her grating,shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her
made me want to smash the machine with my
planner.However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather
Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services
today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also
pray that
next year my wife (the bitch) will choose a gift
for me that is fun --
like a root canal or a vasectomy.

Do you do #2?

I just returned from a week long trip in Puerto Rico. It was not a touristy vacation—I lived in my friend's cousin's house in San Juan and then for the second part of the week with my friend's family in a quaint apartment overlooking the ocean in Luquillo. I can talk about the welcoming people, the historic sites I saw, the beauty of the land and clear waters of Puerto Rico—but my version won't be any more scintillating than Frommers, so I'll spare you 'my-virgin-impression-story,' and instead write what I believe you'll really appreciate.

They don't eat fruits and vegetables. For breakfast, we eat sandwiches: Two pale pink pieces of salty ham lay flat atop a white, perfectly square, shiny piece of cheese. Lettuce slices line the refined bread like shredded paper confetti, able to stick to the dough via a thick paste of mayonnaise. The remainder of the sandwich includes a few sliced Goya black olives, speckled amongst a couple of skinny soft tomato pieces. My friend's cousin opens the refrigerator and I get a glimpse of a carton of eggs. I wonder if there are actually hens in Puerto Rico. Like a criminal eyeing her prey, I wait until the family isn't looking and I peek at the label on top of the carton. Gainesville, Georgia, 30503. Hens in Puerto Rico, Bah! What was I thinking… I scan the refrigerator door and my eyes discern a familiar logo. There he is in all his glory, with the friendly smile and black confederate cap. Hola, Señor Quaker-man. "Avena," reads the box, which means oatmeal. That is the only grain I see, processed nonetheless, and I want him so badly that I can feel the saliva ducts begin to water in my mouth. But alas, I know it to be impossible. Señor Quaker-man and I wouldn't be meeting each other's acquaintance during this trip.

It's almost comical thinking about this past week in Puerto Rico, as 'lackhealthster' Joe. Because I was on vacation with my friend's family, I was on their time, at all times. I did not exercise. I ate close to no vegetables. The extent of my veggie-eating entailed strands of overcooked peppers drenched in too much butter, which lay over a bed of white or yellow rice. Granted, I had a couple of home-cooked meals by TiTi Myrna, a chicken, rice and bean delicacy; but still, the cruciferous crew was not in attendance. I ate fried food—everyday. Fried plantains, fried empanadas, fried fish... I drank every night. I drank beer, hard alcohol and sugary frozen drinks. I drank often on an empty stomach. I drank because people tend to have a "mid afternoon drink" versus actual food, and though I could have declined, opted to "fit in."

I drank no water. When I was offered a cup of water, it was as though I'd seen a small pond in the desert. I must have had at most, two cups of water per day. That's probably not so good considering that my skin was baking in the sun, exposing its dryness to more cancer-causing UV rays! I went to bed every night at 3 AM on a bumpy mattress and pillow that raised my head at an obtuse angle from my shoulders. I slept for a total of five hours per night. I ate pork loin, chorizo (sausage), egg yolks in butter, refined white breads, trans-fatty crackers, non-homemade pastries, nothing whole grain. I let more than five or six hours pass in between meals and I ate the bulk of my calories at night. I ate, slept, drank and functioned according to those around me. My independence was stripped away for one week and already I was able to feel the extreme difference that my healthy machine of a body went though. People really live like this. People live their whole lives eating starches, meats, processed foods, zero vegetables and fruits, all while sitting on their asses and drinking beer.

It dawned on me that the commercialization of Puerto Rico is to blame, and NOT the people's lack of desire to eat well. The food is cheap at Wal-greens. Burger King tastes good and is very local: there is one on almost every block in San Juan. I wondered if anyone else's body craved fiber as much as mine. My protruded bloated belly scoffed at me: what da HELL are u doing right now to me, Marissa?? Somebody has taken over your mind and I don't like it, not one bit!! The subject of this post is the question I constantly wanted to ask all of the people I met on this vacation.

I now REALLY understand why people have all of these horrible health problems. When breakfast, lunch and dinner consists of packaged-up foods and when the only "natural" foods happen to be meat from an animal or beans from a can, Houston, WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

Although Puerto Rico is a U.S. dependent territory, I still couldn't believe how Americanized it really was. I know that my seven days in Puerto Rico is only just the beginning of my commericialized cognizance. In our era, choosing foods from our mega-food industry is the mainstream way to eat.

I am back in NYC, and have since had a day of vegetables and fruits billowing out of my ears. I'll stick to that for now...

Roasted Walnut Oil

The best thing you will ever eat, is Trader Joe's Roasted Walnut Oil. Hands DOWN. This morning, I poured some of this nutty-tasting, clear, light oil all over my spelt and bulgur wheat (best results come from pre-soaking the bulgur the night before, and pre-cooking the spelt either day of or night before). The walnut oil and grain consistency is heavenly. But Trader's Roasted Walnut Oil is incredible with almost anything. I soaked the remainder of a piece of bread in some of this stuff and it tastes better than any oil I've ever tried. Plus, it's healthy!! Walnuts are a great source of omega-3 fatty acids. I've acclimated my tastebuds to the oily alcholic taste of flaxseed oil, which is also a great source of the omega-3's, but if you're not a fan of flax or fish oils, and don't seem to enjoy chomping on whole walnuts, Roasted Walnut Oil is the answer. I could also see this oil pairing well with a vegetable salad, or mixing it in a tuna or chicken salad. You must buy Roasted Walnut Oil immediately. I have yet to try a different brand because the first time I ever experienced Roasted Walnut Oil was only two days ago when I purchased it from Trader's. No matter the brand, I don't think I will ever have a cabinet devoid of Roasted Walnut Oil again!

Mister Multi-task

In 1765, the sandwich was invented by John Montagu, the fourth Earl of Sandwich, who gave the food its name. The Earl used to order roast beef between pieces of toast for a snack while he was at the gaming tables, it allowed him to keep one hand free to play while he ate.

Gym Woes

While I was rowing, I couldn’t concentrate because of a rotund woman [with what seemed like hotdog rolls for ankles] on a nearby elliptical machine. Slowly bopping up and down, she tilted her head in my direction and revealed an enormous toothy grin. I tried not to look over at her; however, that required some severe tilting of my neck to the left, which would not only cause a strain, but also make me look like an idiot. I couldn’t imagine what was so funny watching me row. Rowing is typically not a very humorous activity. I got up off of my machine, no longer able to ‘bear the stare.’ I hopped on a bike adjacent to the woman’s elliptical. I looked out toward the rowing machine—maybe there was a ‘kick me’ sign or a beehive under the wheel… All I could see was Conan on the TV above. And low and behold… I grinned.

Chirashi

For dinner tonight, I ate sushi with my parents. Eating with them is fun—mainly because, one, they order more than three human bodies can comfortably hold in one sitting, and two, they aren’t possessive over their food (which enables me to eat about a ¼ off mom’s plate, and then a ¼ off of dad’s). We ordered in tonight from a local Rockaway restaurant called, Osake. When eating with the ‘rents, I tend to adopt animalistic tendencies that I wouldn’t normally use in public. For example, I enjoy using chopsticks. But at home, I take complete comfort and pleasure in grabbing a thick piece of tuna with my little hand, smearing and smooshing it all around in soy and/or miso sauce, and then—only after it’s all “gujed-up,”—will I toss it deep into the back of my throat and feel it’s sliminess slither all the way down my esoph. Tonight I had Chirashi with brown rice—very easy to grip with the bare hand. See attached image.

New Favorite Blogs:

http://www.roboppy.net/food/
www.megnut.com

I want to eat with these women!

Plasmodium malariae

Infected RBCs

This is just the P. malariae-- not nearly as deadly as the full-blown malarial species of P. falciparum and P. vivax. Imagine what that'd do to you......

H. pylori

You do NOT want this.

My Bday in BED (4-29-06)

Location:
BED 530 W. 27th St. bet 10th and 11th, New York, NY

Some favorite pics from the night...

























GUEST LIST

Who's in BED?

I'll see you in BED!
104

· Marissa Beck (The Organizer)
· sheena.sahibdeen (+ 1 guest) (04/28)
You know I be there :) We're bringin it back this weekend!!!
· stephenmdalton (+ 1 guest) (04/28)
· michael_vinograd (04/28)
· joshua.b.cooper (+ 2 guests) (04/28)
· goombaa415 (04/27)
yo marissa i need a bed so hook me up babe
· chelseaegreene (+ 10 guests) (04/26)
Why on earth would I miss my Jewfrican sisters b-day party. You always come through for me so of course I want to get into bed with you. My husband and I and a few other sexy bedders will be joining us to celebrate you. And yes we want a bed of our own. Oh yea and I've got the cake covered.
· michelle (+ 1 guest) (04/25)
Feliz cumpleanos a mi cacuete!
· Jon (04/25)
· Matt (+ 22 guests) (04/24)
Heck yeah... anything to get into bed with the diesel beckanator. begly and i will be rolling 23 deep, so be prepared to get wild
· jmenezes (04/23)
· adamschneider.adam (04/23)
· sylvia.alonso (+ 1 guest) (04/23)
happy birthday!!!
· jvnyc5 (+ 1 guest) (04/22)
· dia (04/22)
· Stephanie (+ 1 guest) (04/22)
· lordnap20 (04/22)
· Erica (+ 3 guests) (04/22)
Let's relive the madrid craziness of your bday 2 years ago! YOU'RE 23! YOU'RE 23!! WOOO
· jatallah (+ 1 guest) (04/22)
Of course I'll be there puella
· alexeiw (04/22)
I can't wait to go to bed with all 48 people who have replied! I'm going to be pretty tired by the end of the night :-)
· afriedel (04/22)
· Joe Pontone (04/21)
· joe.clemente (+ 2 guests) (04/21)
· Reid (+ 1 guest) (04/21)
Bad Joke Kate, we all know you get no bunns. Camilo I dont know who your 2 guests are cause you only have one friend and I am already going (The AE does not count as 2 guests dick). Sorry about all this Riss, but I will be there.
· kate.rosenbaum (+ 3 guests) (04/21)
This location is perfect!!! Now I won't have to travel far to bring a guy back to "bed" with me. Ha, I crack myself up.
· donvincez (04/20)
· ianschimmel (04/18)
nigga bear, just got sunday the 30th off so im def coming. i might bring a little honey with me if its alright. prolly wont happen but just in case. well see if she keeps behaving. haha. see you soon baby!
· ravenallegra (04/18)
wooooooohooooooooo
· mdeccles (+ 1 guest) (04/18)
· gabyacalderon (04/18)
count me in b'day girl!
· crincon (+ 2 guests) (04/18)
with or without reid "i cream my pants over finance" ross, ill be there.... happy bday
· kelsey seals (+ 1 guest) (04/17)
wouldn't miss it ....nos vamos a la cama!! haaa
· cyrielle.jean (04/17)
deffff!!!
· lauren (04/17)
I be there!
· joncandidi (04/17)
· rachelcamilleyoung (04/17)
happy b day marissa! see u there....
· luke.murumba (04/17)
· ani.bagdasarian (04/16)
ohhlalala-- I'll be there my precious little chinchilla!
· gbuscaino (+ 3 guests) (04/16)
· dnicoledavis (04/16)
ill be in the city that weekend, yay!
· douglas.cress (04/16)
Vladimir Krestovich will be in attendance.
· snbeck683 (+ 2 guests) (04/15)
wouldn't miss it!!
· hall.colleen (04/15)
I'm in NYC this weekend!!!! But I'll def come back in 2 weeks just to be in Bed with you!
· melissateich (04/15)
i'm there !!! :)
· margo.rivera (04/15)
How is this night different than any other night??

Scallions

I just don't care how healthy scallions are. I don't care if they provide 997 IUs of Vit A, if they're a good source of folate, or if they're part of the healthy onion fam. Okay, GREAT, they provide more Vit C and beta-carotene than a full-grown onion. Wonderful, they're simple to cook with. Fabulous, they're easy to grow. But WHO REALLY CARES about how healthy these little green rascals are when they turn your fresh, neutral-tasting mouth into a warm, potent, lingering bath of "onion-ous" steam?

They look harmless, don't they. Don't be fooled. Chowhound's General Topics message board reveals:

"I'm a Chinese-American who grew up with Chinese cooking at home and loves all sorts of Asian cuisine. But I hate scallions, and can never order in an Asian restaurant without asking the staff, "can you make it without scallions?" Scallion pancakes, negimaki, blech! Then scallions started turning up in Italian pastas...aargh. My friend once made me an anti-scallion t-shirt."

And there you have it, folks. This smart person recognized the truth. Scallions are fooling people everyday. They know they are life's best kept secret upon how to scare away a flock of fellow friends... They want you to be alone, all alone. They haunt you while you sleep. Suddenly, scallion-breath will jolt you awake and no longer will you be able to re-kindle your pleasant dream about frolicking in the strawberry fields. You have been beaten. Scallions will win over us all if we don't put an end to their lure. They mask the truth behind a bland miso soup, a creamy cream cheese, an egg-white omelet... They're just a deceptive ploy to knock out any other taste bud in your mouth-- all so that Little Miss Scallion can govern your oral empire and take over the world!!!!!!!

METS, game 10. It's so addictive I just had to come back...

M-E-T-S

Peter and Margo : it got COLD...

The Game.

Pete, Margs, Doug, Me.


NYM vs. ATL. What did we do? WE WON 4-3, yes we did. In addition, we, (and when I say we, I mean: Doug C., Margo R., Pete S., and Yo) , learned the beauty of aluminum Bud bottles. Only it was too cold to appreciate the temp-control capabilities that the bottle so brilliantly demonstrates when in scorching heat...

MISTER MET

THIS IS MR. MET. He's probably some recent college grad.

Today, Teich and I went to game 9, Brewers v. Mets. Mets won 9-3, YEAAAA.

GREAT day for a game. Sun was shining, crowd was loud, fans as loyal as ever. Teich cracked peanuts all over the floor.

It's a good year to be a Met fan, let's go!

Bodies, the Exhibition

Went to BODIES, the exhibition, down at the South Street Seaport. Remarkable. A med-school student's study-haven. Words can't justify the likes of this exhibit. Nor do these pictures. But they're pretty good!

Here are some professional pictures taken off the internet. Some were taken at the exhibition down in Tampa, FL.


Night View from South Street Seaport taken with my cell, a little blurry.
My BODIES partner in crime, Doug.
This one is a definite favorite of mine. Because the muscles are peeled away from each other, you can see exactly where the origins and insertions occur.
This guy is split apart down the middle! And what's amazing is that it's all symmetrical. It's a cool shot because you can really see all of the organs well and how each fits together. You can also see just how gigantic the liver is compared to the rest of the organs.
Man with prosthetic skull, chin..
"The cadavers in 'Bodies' are preserved using a process called plastination, or plasticization. In the process body water and fats are replaced with liquid silicone rubber." -- John Roachfor National Geographic News
August 29, 2005

Smoker's lungs. UGHHHHH!!!!!!!

JACK LA LANNE

In the March/April edition of WebMD magazine, Michael W. Smith, MD interviewed Jack La Lanne, “the godfather of fitness,” and finds out his opinion on American health and fitness. Personally, I found the article to be both inspiring and comical. Below is the interview, plus my comments.

Michael W. Smith, MD: You had the first nationally syndicated exercise show on TV. What's been the biggest change in the U.S. attitude toward exercise since you became one of its first advocates?

Jack La Lanne: I had the first, modern health spa in the world --- 1936, can you believe that? I was the first one to have women working out with weights. Now, everything is fitness. Still, there are more fat people in America than there's ever been in our history.

Marissa Beck: Jack, you da man. Because of you, I am a jacked Arnoldina Schwarzenegger.

MWS: What's been the biggest change in nutrition?

JLL: I've been preaching this message about eating more fruits and vegetables and natural foods for 75 years. They used to call me a crackpot. Now the doctors are recommending it. It makes me feel so good. I feel like I've won a battle.

MB: Yes. You have won. Look at you; you’re in better shape than 75% of America’s college-age students!

MWS: You are almost 92. What's your current fitness routine?

JLL: I get up at 5 a.m. and work out for two hours. I lift weights for an hour and a half and I spend another half hour in the pool. I never miss my workout. And I hate it.

MB: I wanna know what you’re doing in that gym for an hour and a half. Back squats or something? WOW!

MWS: Did Jack LaLanne really just say he hates working out?

JLL: Yes! But I like the results. You've got to use your mind and body every day. You've got to sacrifice. It's use it or lose it. Life is wonderful. Life is fantastic. Anything in life that's meaningful, you've got to work at it.

MB: Best advice I heard in awhile. Reread that!!

MWS: How is your health right now?

JLL: Couldn't be better. I keep my wife smiling occasionally. Not like I did when I was 21, but everything still works.

MB: HOLD UP, back UP… “Everything still works.” If you’re still roughin’ it in between the sheets, Jack, I guess we know your secret. The real question is: who’s the wild, rabid animal you married?

MWS: What's the best health advice you've ever gotten?

JLL: I attended a health lecture when I was 15. I'll never forget it. The gentleman speaking said, "Anything in life is possible if you make it happen. You can be born again if you start eating properly." He got to me, boy. My eyes opened up. I was a full-blown sugarholic. That's why I dropped out of school for six months when I was 15. I was a trouble-maker. I was contemplating suicide. And when I quit eating sugar, my whole life changed. Boom! I started eating natural foods in their natural state. I wanted to be an athlete. I wanted the girls to like me. I wanted to have a nice body. I wanted to get rid of the headaches. And this man said I could do it.

MB: WHO IS HE??? TRACK HIM DOWN! Get that gentleman-speaker in ALL the American schools! I don’t care if he’s 124 years old!

MWS: What's your health philosophy?

JLL: I tell people living is a pain in the butt. Dying is easy. It's like an athletic event. You've got to train for it. You got to eat right. You got to exercise. You've got to have goals and challenges. Forget the good old days. What you do this moment controls the next moment. Your health account, your bank account, they're the same thing. The more you put in, the more you can take out.

MB: I like you Jack. A lot. Can we run away together?

MWS: What's your best health habit? Your worst?

JLL: My best is what I eat and the exercise. My worst is --- I don't have any.

MB: OH come on, you liar. You have to have ONE you’re not thinking about. I know. You don’t get much sleep because you’re rompin’ your wife every night. WOOP WOOP!

MWS: What do you eat for breakfast every day?

JLL: I eat two meals a day. At my 11 a.m. meal, I have a bunch of fruit, three to four pieces. And I'll have four egg whites. Would you get your dog up in the morning and give him a cup of coffee and a cigarette and a donut? Why, you'd kill the dog. You'd be amazed at how many people in America get up with a cup of coffee, a cigarette, and donut. And then they wonder why they're sick and tired. It's the wrong fuel for the human machine.

MB: Yeah, I agree about the dog. But what about YOU? Fruit and egg whites? Is that the magic food? Hey, I’m not arguing. You’re 92, I’m 22…

MWS: Do you take vitamins or supplements?

JLL: You kidding? I've been taking vitamins since I was 15 years old. I started juicing when I was 15. Have you seen my juicer commercial? That's one of the most successful things in the history of television.

MB: What do you take? Living pills? Enlighten us all.

MWS: Is it hard to go out to eat and follow your diet?

JLL: [My wife] Elaine and I eat out at a different restaurant every night of the year except Christmas and New Year's. I get there and I say, "I want 10 raw vegetables. I don't care what it costs." I don't tell my stomach I'm a poor man. I have a piece of fish, 3 or 4 ounces, and a salad. I bring my own soup because the soups in restaurants are terrible. And a banana or an apple. And maybe a glass of wine. I drink half red and half white zinfandel.

MB: Jack, that’s all nice for Seniors to do. But see how many friends I have left if I start traveling with soups and bananas. My snacks in tub-a-wares are hard enough!

MWS: What's your favorite part of your body?

JLL: I have never liked any part of my body. Even when I was Mr. America and won all those contests. When you get satisfied, you give up. Keep the carrot in front of the horse.

MB: Hmmm, I disagree. I like my nails, and I haven't given up. You better believe I maintain these beauties.

MWS: What do you look for in a doctor?

JLL: I go for younger ones. They're all up to date with the new things.

MB: HAHAHHAHA. Now we know why your wife has her umph.

MWS: What disease would you like to see eradicated in your lifetime?

JLL: Heart disease. That's one of the No. 1 killers. It comes from being f-a-t. F-a-tal. People need to make good food choices.

MB: TRUDAT

MWS: What is the solution for a fitter America?

JLL: It's in the schools. You've got to teach kids about nutrition, exercise and how it will make them more beautiful. You've got to teach it like everything else. What the hell good is all your money and education, if all you end up with is a Ph.D. and you're constipated, you've got no energy, your sex life is gone? The only important thing in life is your health and your body. Can you make love to your money?

MB: This is the truest statement I have ever heard. He speaks like it is. Kids don’t think health is the #1. They think $$ is. Here's what I think about business-high rollers. They make tons of money working long hours, working like dogs... They end their days with a wadful of cash in their pockets, but they have to use most of it later on in life to fix all of the health problems that they could have easily prevented earlier on in their lives if only they took some required personal time out during the day for themselves. I say, PUT SOME SAVINGS INTO THE HEALTH BANK ACCOUNT, TOO!

For the full interview, go to www.webmd.com and search "Jack La Lanne"

Two favorite sites of the day:

Grocery Store Wars.. Join the Organic Rebellion

Look closely...

Got Flava?

David Burke, a leading NYC chef (now inventor), created what he believes to be the next best thing to chocolate cake. Sit down, drum roll your thigh, and take a deep breath…

A “SPRAY” chocolate cake!

Need I say more?

I should probably end this blog entry RIGHT ABOUT HERE.

But I’m just so excited right now I could hardly contain my typing-fingers.

Just imagine... A luscious piece of chocolate cake in your mouth, without the cals, carbs, cholesterol, sugar, or fat. Finally, you can have your cake, eat it too—AND get out of jail for free! And according to Burke, it will, “…eliminate your cravings.”

Well, put aside your chuck-box full of Hydroxycut, Hollywood Miracle Diet, and Wow potato chips, and sign up for the FLAVA ride!!!

Can’t stand the sarcasm? Neither can I.

Ready for… the catch?

You’re probably now expecting me to berate Burke’s Flavor Spray, tear apart every last ingredient that could possibly be inside of this chemically loaded squirt gun, and put him to shame…

Well, lucky you, I do not have the ingredient list in my pocket for an on-hand attack. But I do have a list of countless flavors that I am thrilled to ridicule at my leisure. And boy do I have the leisure…

I haven’t tried a “flavor spray,” myself, nor do I have a dying urge to run out and load up my cabinets with them, but I'll play the role of the unfair critic anyway.

Here are a list of some of Burke's fine Flavor Sprays (and my very informative commentary)

1. Parmesan Cheese Spray – Riiiight, you try to convince Mama Italiana to have her Rigatoni à la Spray…

2. Pesto Spray – sure, I could see this working—if you add in your own pine nuts and oil, that is…

3. Smoked Bacon Spray – the spray has to be better than the real thing…

4. Caramelized Onion Spray – Who cares?

5. Ketchup Spray – Why?

6. Buttery Spray - Didn’t we have enough when I Can't Believe It's Not Butter!® came out with “spray butter” ? Apparently not…

7. Memphis BBQ Spray – Okay, you tell one of your BBQ buddies to substitute “spray” on their ribs, that’ll go over well.

8. Ice Blue Salt Spray – What the %$*# is this? Do I spray this into my pool?

9. Apple Pie Spray – What are you, an All-American traitor?

10. Pepper City Spray – can I use this instead of Mace?

11. Raspberry Bubblegum Spray – Clue a girl in, this spray goes on… ???

12. Marshmallow Spray – Can I toast this?

13. Cheesecake Spray – no comment.

14. Chocolate Fudge Spray – next.

15. Kiwi Spray – I’m confused. This WONDROUS fruit is cholesterol-free, saturated fat-free, high in fiber, high in vitamin C, a good source of potassium, a good source of vitamin E, sodium-free… and you want to spray it?

16. Mango Spray – ditto.

17. Pinapple Spray – sacrilege.

18. Blueberry Spray – have fun missing out on one of the world’s healthiest foods…


References:
(http://www.flavorspraydiet.com/shop.html)

AFLATOXIN

That sounds scary, doesn’t it? AFLATOXIN. Especially in cap locks. AFLATOXIN. That’s what they do to you, the “health field.” They make you sick to your stomach worrying about all of the potent carcinogens out there, such as AFLATOXIN, to the point where all of the worrying, stress, anxiety, and unnecessary vigilance your body undergoes is probably just as damaging as the actual ingestion of the carcinogen, itself.

What is AFLATOXIN, you wonder? To be precise, it is produced by a couple of fungi, namely, Aspergillus Flavus, and is a naturally occurring mold (or as we health professionals like to use in order to scare people: TOXIN) found on food products such as peanuts, corn, and peanut butter. It’s also been said to linger on pecans, pistachios and walnuts, in addition to milk, grains, soybeans and some spices.

Scared already? Let’s thank our favorite health “expert,” Dr. Weil, a leader in the current health-anxiety-movement, aka, FREAK people out 24 hours of the day and make TONS of money off of it.

According to Dr. Weil’s Q&A segment on his homepage, published October 22, 2002, “Aflatoxin is a potent carcinogen, known to cause liver cancer in laboratory animals and may contribute to liver cancer in Africa where peanuts are a dietary staple.”

Thanks, thanks for the update. Clearly, now that you have told me this pertinent piece of information, I will stay far, far away from anything that could contain AFLATOXIN so that I may reduce my cancer risks… As a matter of fact, while I’m at it, why don’t I also read up on the Department of Health and Human Services’ Report on Carcinogens, headed by the National Institute of Environmental Health Sciences, which I have trusted as a very reputable source, and figure out all of the other crap that’s going to kill me. To name a few:

Saccharin, Ethyl acrylate, Environmental tobacco smoke, Tobacco smoking, Smokeless tobacco, Consumption of alcoholic beverages, Solar UV radiation and exposure to sunlamps and sunbeds, Crystalline silica, Strong inorganic acid mists containing sulfuric acid, Dyes metabolized to benzidine, 1,3-Butadiene, Cadmium and cadmium compounds, Ethylene oxide, Tamoxifen, Diesel exhaust particulates, Isoprene, Chloroprene, Phenolphthalein, Tetrafluoroethylene, Trichloroethylene. (Reference: 2000. Fact Sheet: The "Report on Carcinogens" - 9th edition. National Institutes of Health news release. (May 15). Available at http://www.nih.gov/news/pr/may2000/niehs-15.htm.)

Like most health info out there on the internet, news papers, magazines, I feel like our fears about aflatoxins, amongst many other carcinogenic substances, have been severely exaggerated. I am not taking anything away from the possibly carcinogenic effect of aflatoxin. Nor am I going to start smoking a pack of cigs per day and sit out in the sun for hours without consciously being aware that, yes, I am indeed killing myself.

But MY GOD, scare us and scare us some more so that we may become lab rats, ourselves, testing our own skin, hair, intestines, feet, and nails for fungi and tumors and lesions so that we can live our lives in constant fear and look up to Dr. Weil like he’s Big Brother.

Using the same safety measures as we would with any type of fresh food that we eat, I’d say that the moral of this story is to check your food for mold, sniff it for weird fungi-like odors, and put your goddamn peanut butter in the fridge!!!!!!!!!